Simple way to transform paralyzing fear into unstoppable action
Three realizations and two actions is all it takes
Do you know that feeling? That sinking, stinking feeling when you want to do something and then your fears get the better of you?
Your hand reaches for your phone. It’s time to make that phone call. The one that could change your life.
You swallow nervously. Your mind races.
They could say ‘no’. They’ll think your idea is crazy. What if this is not a good time to call them? They may not like you, or worse, hate you for even asking?
A million and more of these doubts buzz around your mind like irritating flies that just won’t let up.
Slowly, your fingers open. Your phone drops back onto the table, landing with a heavy resounding thud. It echoes exactly how you feel: heavy, discouraged, and angry with yourself for it.
You tell yourself tomorrow is a better time to call anyway. More people are in on Tuesdays. Much better chance of getting hold of the one you need.
Still, you know tomorrow is probably not going to go any different.
If only you could find a way to silence the doubts that kill everything you ever felt enthusiastic about.
Well, silencing them may be a little too hard — I’d hazard a guess they’ve been with you for ages — but there’s absolutely no need to let them stop you!
You can have all those doubts and eat them too.
Yes, feast on them, push them out of the way with the realizations that took me a life time to figure out or months and years to let sink in.
Your fears are trying to keep you safe. Your subconscious triggers fear when you face a situation that it recognizes as one that raised highly uncomfortable emotions before. It does so to keep you safe from experiencing those again.
That’s why they are your friends.
Friends that hold you back, but still friends.
Thank them for their care and reassure them that you are okay now, stronger and better able to deal with unpleasant emotions and experiences.
Then act.
Because…
Quite the contrary.
While a lot of people think that courage requires or indicates the absence of fear, nothing is farther from the truth.
Courage is feeling the fear, acknowledging it, and taking action in spite of it. Wobbly knees and all!
If you like math:
They say curiosity killed the cat.
I say curiosity keeps it alive most of the time. Curiosity drives learning, going for new experiences, finding new ways to get results you want or need. And yes, also learning what wasn’t your smartest move ever.
Expectations kill you more quickly than curiosity can.
No, not literally.
A friend of mine says: “Expectations are delayed disappointments.”
And I often think that when expectations (followed by disappointments) kill your curiosity, your zest for life, your sense of adventure, that’s a faith worse than death.
Don’t let expectations do that to you.
Let go of them.
When you don’t cling to a desired result or fear an undesired outcome, you’ll feel much freer to experiment, to try new things, to be curious about what will happen.
And you will be far more likely to take action.
Curiosity doesn’t kill.
Curiosity stimulates action. Action to find out, action to learn and move forward.
When you fear unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions and experiences, you are making them much bigger than they need to be.
When emotion is triggered, it manifests first in your body. The churning in your stomach, the butterflies in your belly, the tension in your shoulders.
That physical sensation makes us aware of our emotions. It is also what makes them pleasant or unpleasant.
That physical sensation only lasts at most 60 to 90 seconds!
Surely, you can weather less than two minutes of an unpleasant sensation.
Breathing through it helps: slowly breath in, hold, breath out, hold. Each for a count of four. If this can help soldiers deal with the worst of what they are called upon to face, you can certainly use it to face your fears.
Much as I hate the “just do it” advice — it denies the very real force your fears can exert on you — Nike was on to something when they adopted this slogan.
Because, no matter how real your fears seem to you, they’re still “just” remnants of past experiences and only hold you back if you let them.
And you now know how to get past them.
Acknowledge and thank them — they’re your friends;
Realize you don’t have to be fearless to be courageous and take action;
Let go of expectations, become curious;
Breathe through the uncomfortable emotions and physical sensations;
and then,
Just do it.
Every time you take action instead of letting your fears get the better of you, you win.
Taking action always trumps inaction.
Without action, there is no learning.
Even when it doesn’t go as you’d like, you learned that what you did, doesn’t work . At least not in that specific context. It may still work in a different context, with different people, or at a different time.
Every ‘no’ is a step closer to finding, or getting, a ‘yes’.
(Don’t make me remind you of Edison!)1
Every action is a win. Celebrate it. You are making progress!
Hearing those words demolished the last of my ‘defenses’ against taking action in the face of fearing rejection. It helps me every time I hesitate to pick up the phone, send that mail, reach out for help, or whatever else triggers my insecurities.
Now you can make it your mantra too. Recite it whenever you feel those what ifs and doubts rising in your mind.
Imagine what it will help you do.
Imagine what you can create when you don’t let a ‘no’ that hasn’t even happened yet, hold you back.
Imagine what your future will look like when you see ‘no’ as a stepping stone to ‘yes’ and take action despite your fears.
Just imagine what your life will be like when just a few of the actions you do take in spite of your thoughts and doubts, get you a ‘yes’ instead.
Remember: ‘No’ doesn’t change your life. ‘Yes’ does.
I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.
— Thomas Edison