Forget 'setting' boundaries — do this instead
3 daring (& mischievous) experiments that actually work
Ever noticed how setting boundaries is always what you want other people to do or not do?
Like they and their behavior is something to fix.
That’s not the issue. Not one bit at all.
The real, uncomfortable as it is to hear, truth is that they’re not the problem but you suck at sticking with the boundaries you decided to have.
Every time they ask and you cave: that’s you abandoning one.
Never announce a boundary
Boundaries are private decisions, you don’t need to inform anyone about them directly.
In fact, you don’t want to do that at all.
Just imagine how that might put ideas in their heads...
More seriously though, you’ve now drawn a line in the sand and that, inevitably, gets people to test your willingness to stand by it.
Say, you tell your coworkers: “I only answer work emails during work hours.” Great policy. I recommend it highly. But don’t expect them to believe you. And don’t expect them to now not send any emails outside of working hours.
Your boundary. Your responsibility.
And the first weekend or evening you check your mail, find a a work-related and you decide to answer it because it’s marked ‘urgent’ and it’ll only take you 5 minutes?
You just communicated that your boundary is window-dressing.
Don’t rely on others to respect your boundaries. You need to respect them. Only you. When you do, others have no choice but to live with them.
The paradox determining the value of your time
Ever felt you were being taken for granted, treated like furniture?
It’s so unfair that other women get vocally and publicly appreciated when they didn’t even do half as much as you.
There’s a paradox at work here. The unavailability paradox. It says:
👉 the more accessible you are, the less valuable your attention.
👉 the more of service you are, the less valuable your contribution.
When you’re always available, always ready to help, always present, you fade into the background. Noticed only when absent.
When you’re not always available, strategically refuse requests for your time and effort, and don’t respond the minute you receive a text, you stand out. (Until we all do, but no worries that’s still a long way off.)
You may not be the most liked, but you will be more respected and taken seriously. Your time and contributions will be more appreciated and considered genuinely valuable.
That’s because scarcity increases value. Not just in economics.
And as a bonus, you seem a lot more interesting as you obviously have more going on!
Respecting your boundary around your time communicates the value of your time to you. And that inevitably increases it to others.
The jump-in habit: compulsive volunteering that sends all the wrong messages
Your behavior speaks louder than words. And it’s not usually saying what you think it is.
Take the jump-in habit: anytime someone talks to you about a struggle, you jump in to fix, organize, solve, or smooth over whatever is troubling them.
You want to help. I get that. But it’s not the message that’s received. That message is: you need help.
I was like this for years. Decades, actually.
I saw a problem and solved it before anyone else had registered it as a problem. More importantly: before anyone had had a chance to consider whether they thought it was a problem, let alone a problem that needed solving.
I had to stop. Not because I was enlightened — I genuinely had less capacity. The enlightenment came later.
Coz, whadda you know? Nothing collapsed.
Other people fixed what needed fixing. And what didn’t get solved, didn’t need solving.
When someone comes to you with a personal or other struggle that, hardly ever, is a request to step in and take over. Most of the time, they just want to talk it over. To get the situation straight in their own mind or clarify their feelings around it.
When you support someone through that without jumping to their rescue, you’re respecting their capacity to fix and solve their issues. You send the message: you got this.
(Also, you get hours back. Which is nice.)
Decrease your availability — 3 fun, revealing experiments
1. The 48-hour experiment
Pick one type of request you normally say yes to immediately. Don’t say no — just don’t say yes for 48 hours. Watch what happens. Most of the time? They solve it themselves. Or the “urgency” evaporates.
(Napoleon ignored his mail for two to three weeks. Most of the crises? Gone by the time he opened the letters. I’m not saying become Napoleon. The principle holds.)
2. The minimal words answer
Try: “I’m unable to help you with that” or even shorter: “I can’t”.
Then, keep your mouth shut. Don’t apologize. Don’t explain. Don’t justify.
Notice how long it takes before you find the silence uncomfortable and struggle with the urge to apologize, explain, justify.
Keep your mouth shut anyway. (It’ll pass quicker than you imagine.)
3. The out-of-service experiment
Notice something that’s not being done or differently from how you’d do it (and thus wrong, obviously 😇).
Resist the urge to step in and fix it. Watch. Observe.
Does someone else step up?
Is the result sufficient? Not how you’d do it, but still sufficient? Maybe even better?
If it didn’t get done, did the (your) world fall apart?
Fair warning: noting that you’re not needed as much as you think or would like to be can be a sobering experience.
Nail holding your boundaries
Once you understand that the boundary is yours to hold — that you are the police — it gets both harder and simpler.
Harder because there’s no one to blame when it fails.
Simpler because there’s no one to train, persuade, or wait for.
Just you. Quietly. Consistently. Deciding who you are.
I know you can. Not perfectly perhaps, not at first. But it will get easier with practice.
Every time you hold it: that’s you, showing up for yourself.
Every time you abandon it: that’s information, not a moral failing. It’s data about where you’ve still got some work to do.
Difficult women who get this right aren’t heroic boundary-setters. They’re just consistent. Boring, almost. They said no last time. They said no this time. They’ll say no next time.
Not because they’re rigid. Because they know what matters to them.
That’s always the key to holding a boundary.
Be honest, if not with me, with yourself: when one of your boundaries was last tested, did you hold it or did you hand the keys to your kingdom?
I find it hard to resist friends' requests whenever they arrive, although sometimes I procrastinate and don't reply which is a cop out really rather than a deliberate choice. I will think about making it intentional next time I don't really want to help somebody. Except that sometimes I don't even see the request because I am not perpetually looking at my computer or phone as so many people expect us to do the whole time. Making yourself unavailable by not looking at messages can definitely be intentional - eg at weekends, although most I just do it because I don't remember where I put my phone.