The wicked little secret to unlocking a self-perpetuating joy cycle
You’ve been sitting with a request for three days now.
You don’t want to do it.
You should “just” say no.
But...
You can’t help thinking about everything bad that will happen if you do.
You know what?
It’s “just” your imagination running riot with every message you’ve been fed since you were born. Refusing something hardly ever blows up in your face.
People will still love you, you get to keep your relationships, and what you didn’t do gets done by someone else or didn’t matter at all.
That said, you’ll likely fumble when you first start.
You’ll likely fumble more than you’d like at first
If it goes sideways, it’s usually because when you start refusing requests, you’re likely to make one (or more) mistakes.
Like not keeping your mouth shut and riding out the few seconds of awkward silence that follow your “No.” And instead fumbling your way out of your “No” with one of these three.
Fumble #1: Explaining yourself.
“I can’t because...” / “I would love to, but...”
Don’t.
Explanations open you up to push back, to every counter-argument imaginable. To emotional appeals, to “but you always...” moping.
“No” is a full answer. And if that is still a bridge too far, “That doesn’t work for me” works as well.
Fumble #2: Refusing things you actually want to do.
Having decades of “yes”-ing behind you, you’ll likely overcorrect and refuse more than you need to. When that includes activities you genuinely enjoy? That’s self-punishment wearing a power move costume.
The whole point about building your refusal muscle is to reclaim time for things you like. Including those that present themselves as requests.
Fumble #3: Staying in the shallow end forever
Yes. Start small.
But don’t set up camp there.
If you only refuse the small things, but keep saying yes to the big ones, you’re not going to get very far.
Saying no to coffee but yes to chairing the committee?
That means depriving yourself of all the small pleasures you could have been enjoying in the time you’ll now have to spend on that committee.
Gifts you get when you practice past the fumbles
When you stop justifying, stop overcorrecting, and stop hiding in the low-stakes zone — you get time back.
Hours and hours of precious time you can use any way you want to.
Wild? Nope. Entirely within reach.
Gift #1: Playful pleasure contagion
My favorite part is kind of mischievous, maybe even rebellious. (Yay!)
When you start practicing strategic refusal, and enjoying your reclaimed time, the impact goes way beyond your personal pleasure.
Don’t get me wrong. Personal pleasure is a good enough reason any day.
But just in case you need a little more justification...
When you give yourself permission to prioritize enjoying yourself over serving and catering to others, you’re leading by example. In a way, you’re handing out permission slips to the people around you to do the same.
Gift #2: Getting saved by your bullshit detector
When you (finally) remember what genuine pleasure actually feels like, your bullshit detector comes back online. Noticing the gap between real enjoyment and going through the motions, is powerful motivation to stop signing yourself up for the second kind.
Acting on that saves you and those around you from ‘fun’ nobody actually enjoys.
Gift #3: Free therapy
Let’s not forget your nervous system. It thrives on pleasure!
Your thinking when you’re in a good mood beats your thinking under stress every single time.
Imagine what that brain power can do for all your activities in life.
Plus, it could save you tons of money you’d otherwise spend on expensive therapy programs.
Money you can put towards indulging in the frivolous pleasures that you now have time for <evil grin>.
Start practicing!
So, you see, it’s a self-perpetuating cycle of joy.
Refuse → more time → frivolous pleasure → regulated nervous system → money saving → more for frivolous pleasures → added motivation for more strategic refusal.
Oh, and of course the joy and satisfaction of inspiring others to do it too!
—Marjan
P.S. If the word “difficult” is what’s stopping you — claim it. It costs nothing, it fits perfectly, and the people trying to use it against you aren’t as confident as they’d like you to believe.